Welcome to PaperDoll

The ghosts in my apartment must have very clean mouths…

2006-10-30T19:20:00.000-08:00

Wish you were here, love Mouthwash

One of my roommates and I have run into bit of a situation at our apartment. He has a bottle of mouthwash that he uses. I, like the clean person I am, do not usually use mouthwash. The funny thing is that even if no one is in the apartment but him and I, the mouthwash level seems to drop substantially in-between his swishings, and the cap is on all funny. This has happened about 3-4 times now in the past months.

So we have come to a few conclusions:

1) Either he or I are avid sleepwalkers that like to mouthwash in the middle of the night...because the battle against plaque just can't wait until the morning.

2) Either he or I keep coming home drunk, and use the mouthwash without remembering. However, usually this would also include many Johnny Rockets burger bags laying around the apartment, and we haven't seen many of those around lately.

3) Our landlord is coming into our apartment, and instead of stealing our valuables or surfing porn on our internet, he has decided to focus his attention on the mouthwash.

4) There are ghosts in our apartment that have really clean gums

5) Evaporation is a bitch, and is apparently quite powerful in our bathroom.

6) He is a dirty liar and is just messing with me..although that seems like a highly inefficient way for him to get me to buy him more mouthwash.

We have yet to come to a final conclusion, but I am sure after the apartment "mock trial" that we plan to organize for tomorrow night, which will include testimony from him and I, the stuffed animals that were in the apartment during the past month, and any fresh yeast or moldy cheeses in the fridge...we will have a verdict.

Back from Thailand!

2006-01-03T13:43:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! I'm back from Thailand - the most beautiful and friendly country on earth...I completely missed the transit strike, Gwen's pregnancy announcement, and R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet pt 2" with the little person shitting himself.

Last week, while reacclimating myself to the 12 hour time difference, I discovered that the only place opened at 4am in my neighborhood was the transvestite bar and the gym. And surprisingly there are a lot of people who work out at 4am. Mostly hardcore athletes and over-excercisers.

Observations from a Ladies Room

2005-11-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

Thanks for everyone who came out to the Knitting Factory. Eventhough there was a late start, our crowd was awesome! So, I went to use the ladies room aroun 10p when I got there and let me tell you, it was a freak show! 15, 16, 17 year olds piling on the make up to trying to make themselves look older. hairspray, mascara, blush, eyeliner galore-spilling out of purses, sinks, and pockets. Didn't think much of it.

So I went back to the ladies room at 11p. Same girls, fixing their make up. Piling it on like they were mimes. There were a few fratty looking predators waiting outside. pink polo shirts with the collars rolled up...seriously ala Pretty in Pink.

Went back after the show around 1a. It was awesome...you guessed it, same girls...but this time, they were not so concerned with their looks. Mascara and eye-liner running from their faces. tre' Tammy Fay. A sea of "oh my god, I'm so wasted...JJJJJ'knowwwwwwhhhhaaatt - I looooveyou....no really, I love you. JJJJJJ'you think my thighs look fat? OH my god..... my thighs look fat!" and echos of "you're such a whore! no you are...no YOU are...shut up you bitch! You're such a ho-bag!" And they laughed and laughed. AHHH...good times.

-t

Thanksgiving 2005

2005-11-28T11:47:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving! Just got home from a weekend in VA. My mom had people remodeling the bathroom and was convinced that they'd be done in time for Thanksgiving dinner. Well...they were there Wednesday night until 2am and then Thursday (Thanksgiving DAY) until 3p...Dinner was scheduled for 5p. Fun times, we were desperately cleaning up the workmen's mess right up 'till guests started arriving. Fun Times.

Dinner was awesome. Literally, 12-14 dishes. 3 different deserts. Actually not much different than a regular dinner at home.

Sparta, NJ

2005-11-28T11:36:00.000-08:00

PaperDoll performed in SPARTA, NJ two week ago. We ventured out with our equipment driving through dark highways with no street lights...Jack, of course, was in race car driver mode which totally freaked me out.

Well, we got to Krough's Bar in record time and parked in front of this magnificant lake. I wish I could have seen it during the day. We walked into Krough's Bar and ate burgers while one of our PaperDoll boys (who will remaine nameless) hit on our hostess...who had to leave at 10p. My guess is that it was past her bedtime and since she wasn't old enough to drive, she had to wait for her parents to come get her.

The gig went well with only a few mishaps - my microphone chord coming loose from the mic. Chip's drums inching forward on the rug while he was sitting further and furhter away from the set. But we're a crafty bunch and handled it well.

The bar was packed - the crowd was really into it and made it a huge success. We had a blast.

-t

How I single handedly made my Economics teacher quit teaching and become a circus clown

2005-08-26T17:11:00.000-07:00

People rip on McDonalds so much for being anti-American. Come on people, lets try to be a bit more creative…like making fun of its lisp, funny clothes, and coke-bottle glasses. Then lets make a bunch of “your mommas so fat jokes,” punch it in the stomach, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money. Yeah, that’ll teach ‘em.

Because Johnny Rockets closes at 12pm on Thursday nights, late last night after getting a few drinks I found myself at the McDonalds in Hoboken with some friends, our hearts set on the $1 menu double cheeseburger and fries (for a total of $2, plus tax). When we get up to the counter, we find that not only do they not have the dollar menu after 11pm, but the prices for items one might usually get on the dollar menu have increased 4 times! Listen, I can usually afford to pay a decent amount for food, but after spending my nights cash on booze, I was not going to pay $4 for a crappy fast-food cheeseburger that I was too drunk to taste anyway…especially when that same exact burger is $1 during the day!

So there I was, jokingly causing a ruckus (I am not a mean or violent drunk…I am more of a benevolent sloppy comic), laughing about “economies of scale” and how “the laws of finance don’t exist here.” I may have also shouted some words about communism and how McDonalds is un-American and they put bits of flag remnants in their tasty new Apple and Walnut Salads. Its at times like these I really wish I paid more attention in Economics, as I tend to think none of those arguments were the correct ones to make in that situation. And frankly, McDonald’s was following the law of “supply and demand,” since at 1pm I really wanted that freakin’ cheeseburger and they were the only ones that were open. But I feel like that’s something a cunning used car salesman would do, rather than McDonalds, America’s self-proclaimed fast food burger provider.

AXE deodorant also makes an excellent kindling fuel! But seriously, I blame my violence on a mixture of TV and Red Bull…no more watching Office Space on Comedy Central for me, that’s for sure.

In the end we left empty handed and went to CVS instead to buy some delicious hot pockets…at which point I also clued my friends in on the AXE deodorant scheme (see post below) and how it was ruining my underarms. I may have been drunk, but I don’t forget where my loyalties lie. I bet those fat cats at McDonalds and AXE are in bed together right now reading this, hooting and hollering, while employees from a Burger King and a Right Guard factory are tied to their bed posts dressed in all leather and each have a big red ball in their mouths. Why? Because everyone needs a gimp. Who do you think is writing this for me?

Lemme AXE you a question...

2005-08-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Searching for a picture of AXE deodorant, I found this. I wasn’t going to put it in since it has no relevance, but I was afraid they might cut me.

So I bought AXE deodorant this weekend. And no, I did not buy it so that woman might sexually jump me in the line at Boston Market as I try to buy my quarter-chicken-dark with creamed spinach and macaroni & cheese, or so they would try to steal my armbands from after our shows and rub the sweat on their jennies.

No, I actually bought it because CVS had basically nothing but AXE. There I was, trying to find my trusty Right Guard, and all I can see are these jet black deodorant sticks with images of flames, steam and water (I’m sorry…I meant to say “hook-up heat, make-out mist, and liquid love”). And so, in quiet desperation I purchased one of the flashy AXE smell-stoppers (for 50% more than my usual brand) and left CVS, carefully on the lookout for model-type women lurking in the dark corners of Hoboken just waiting for me to apply the sweet love-pheromone laced fragrance so they can hurdle through my window while I’m sleeping and steal my boxer briefs with Ninja-like skills.

After 3 days of using AXE, I am unimpressed, and frankly rather annoyed. Not only have I not yet gotten molested by hot women, much like a little drunk Dutch boy should be at the Neverland Ranch, but this stuff just outright sucks at being deodorant! The smell (which is never really that good to begin with) dissipates after about an hour, and then after 8 hours you’re left quite unprotected. Unless you shower about 8 times during your workday and reapply, once you past 10am your chances of a co-worker propositioning you in your bosses office while working on the presentation for the big 2pm marketing meeting GREATLY decrease.

Moral of the story? No matter what the commercials say, don’t count on AXE to improve your sexual attractiveness. If you want girls to be all over you…you better have lots of money or a huge wiener.

Toto's PR rep is a genius

2005-08-18T10:27:00.000-07:00

If those 6 words = one cover picture, and a picture = 1,000 words, then playing “A-F-R-I-C-A” in Scrabble must be kick-ass!

In a well played move, National Geographic decided that for their latest issue, they would forgo the usual spectacular picture cover, and instead try out a new type-friendly approach, stating that no single photo would be able to define Africa. Personally, I think the photographer that was supposed to take the cover shot missed the deadline because he was too busy subbing for his buddy at a Victoria Secret shoot, doing lines of coke off of some ice sculptor while simultaneously having a three way with some of the starved, yet breast enhanced IPEX models. Although I don’t see why it would have slipped his mind to get on the plane to go back to Monzombo, Ukhwejo, or some other village that I may, or may not have seen in “The Air up There.” I guess I could ask him…we did hire him to take photos for us tonight at CBGBs. But we have clearly stated to him that there will be no ice sculptures, and that Teresa prefers her bras from Fredrick’s of Hollywood. And yes, we do accept sponsorships if your reading Mr. or Mrs. Fredrick. Personally, I think Patrick would look fab-u-lous in your Dotted Mesh Gartini.

I will say, my applause of this cover concept is all based on the fact that I am over 11 years old now, and don’t need to be scrounging around in the middle school library anymore looking through National Geographic magazines for boobie shots. Although I would if I still had my library card. Damn you Mr. Bookman!

Hey HBO, maybe if you think about baseball you won't finish so early next time

2005-08-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

Half of the cast of Entourage. Why half? Because you only gave me half a show last night. Let’s hug THAT out bitches.

What’s up with Entourage lately? The show rocks, but last night it was only 20 minutes long! With Six Feet Under going six feet under next week (and also scaring the bejesus out of me lately...well done!), they should really make Entourage an hour long show. The way its heading, it’s soon going to be reduced to a 2 minute long snippet of Vince and Mandy Moore river dancing in front of Martin Scorsese’s house, while Ari and Eric sumo wrestle in a vat of pizza sauce from Queens.

…and it will still win 12 Emmys, and I will still watch it religiously on my TiVo. And don't lie, so will you. But only one of us will be watching because they love river dancing. Think about it.

iJack

2005-06-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

The iFlush. I would say this picture is stupid, but if Apple made one, I bet Steve Jobs could come up with some sneaky marketing that would make me put it in my bathroom. Right next to my iSneeze, iWipe, and iPlunge. Of course, they will all become obsolete as soon as UPS delivers my iCatheter.

I am pissed off at my iPod. Well, it’s not actually the iPod I am pissed off about, but it’s what it has done to me.

You see, like thousands of other Americans, I have bought into this whole “Apple controls my life” idea that Mr. Steve Jobs has created. For example, I have all my important documents on my mac (hidden, so don’t get any ideas Chip), I use iPhoto as my only photo album now, I write and record songs on my mac, and all my music is on my mac – which leads me to listen to music on my iPod Mini. And because it’s so small and portable, I listen to it wherever I go. The subway, in my car, walking to the post office, in the jail cell waiting to post bail from that crazy night before…everywhere. I haven’t touched a CD in over a year, when having parties we just use iTrip and a boom-box from 1989, and I haven’t even programmed NJ radio stations into my car yet. I didn’t even HAVE an antenna to get radio stations in my old car…I just had a headphone wire sticking out of the head-unit for the iPod. That car also leaked like Deep Throat and caught on fire on the way to practice once, but anyway.

The fire wasn't THAT bad. I am happy this dude who happened to be watering his flowers nearby showed up with a garden hose. His azaleas looked like shit though.

The problem is now that with the iPod, I have loaded it with so many songs that now when an “okay” song comes on I fast forward through it. This would be fine 1 or 2 times, but I find I am fast-forwarding sometimes 10 or 15 times! With a CD, you would never do that, knowing full well that you only have 15 or so songs on the CD, so why waste a fast-forwarding on a mediocre song when there might be a really bad one right around the corner (you know, that one that you really like, but had to say you put on as a joke thinking your friends might laugh when you played it in the car, but they just beat the snot out of you). The iPod has given me the power of unlimited choice and instant gratification (no rewinding or CD changing). Therefore, like the Generation-Y lack-of-attention-span-slave I am, I am never satisfied unless the newest, best song I put on my iPod plays repeatedly over, and over, and over again…since none of the other songs compare to how much I like that song at that moment. Besides, can you really EVER get sick of “Call on Me” by Eric Prydz?

The iPod has also killed the concept of the mix. I mean, yes, I do have playlists, but why play a 15 song playlist when I can shuffle all 1,000 songs and be surprised by a song I haven’t heard in a few weeks. Of course, to get to that song you probably have to go through a bunch of songs you don’t like. And that includes the one that you really like, but your friends beat the snot out of you for playing.

I would say, on average, I listen to full songs on my iPod about 60% of the time. The rest of the time I am scanning through songs, listening to half a song and then switching as I grow weary of it, or playing the crappy excuse for games they put on those things. I mean seriously, would Tetris be THAT hard to program. And it’s not as relaxing as it used to be when I first had the iPod with only a few songs on it. Instead of just listening to the music, I actually have concentrate on what will my next song be so I can keep up my “favorite-music” buzz. It’s like heroin…and in more ways then one. I can’t leave home without it on me, when I don’t have it I become antsy, I would probably whore myself out for a free one, that running athletic-strappy-arm-thing is like a big ass rubberband, and Leonardo DiCaprio is probably going to do a movie about it. My iPod Mini is like Fluorescent Green heroin.

So, thank you Steve Jobs. Thank you for getting me hooked on musical heroin…the dancing dope, the be-bopping brown sugar, the soundtastic smack, the harmonious horse, the jiving junk, and the melodious mud. But mostly, thank you for giving me inspiration for this blog entry and an excuse to look up different slang terms for heroin.

tribeca show

2005-06-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much everyone for coming out and dancing on Wednesday Night! I had SUCH a blast singing and dancing with everyone. I also had a blast jumping around in my new pink high-high top sneakers. I love them.

So, on stage, I noticed that our fans are very very hot. No joke, I think we have the best looking fans in NYC. This is the kind of stuff I think about when I'm on stage. I was also thinking- wouldn't it be cool if Orlando Bloom came into the club and was like - "OMG! I have to make out with that girl on stage". That would be awesome.

So, thanks everyone who came out on Wednesday - I think it was the most fun I've had on stage ever.

Teresa's week

2005-05-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

So, I was walking down my street to my apartment when I spot a jovial looking man in black walking toward me. I say Jovial because he had a skip to his walk and a smile on his face. I thought to myself, "wow, I wonder what he's thinking about". I forgot about him for a second until he almost ran into me...it was Robert Downey Jr.

So, I was walking down my street to my apartment when out of now where, I see this eerily familiar face. I knew he scared me and creeped me out, but couldn't remember why. Then it hit me like I was a fat kid playing dogeball and I shouted "Green Goblin" and pointed. Yes...it was Willem Dafoe.

So, I was walking down my street to my favorite smoothie place to get a granola cookie when I spot a husband and wife. The husband was consoling the wife. She was not terribly upset, but was obviously stressed out and annoyed. He had his arm around her as she was taking small spoonfuls of, what I thought looked like, Pea Soup. The store ran out of my granola cookies. After a brief moment of complete and utter turmoil, I turned around and noticed that this husband and wife were none other than Chad Lowe and Hillary Swank.

the end

Dear Blog, I've missed you. Love, Jack

2005-03-15T10:53:00.000-08:00

I would say the best fans are here in America, but apparently I would be wrong.

Yet again, I know it’s been a while since I last posted (and I see Teresa beat me to it…haha. Be sure to read hers too, which is below my monstrosity of an entry). I was actually quite surprised by the number responses I received over the last three weeks asking what’s up with the blog. You know, for a while there I thought the only people that checked this thing and rung up the site meter were “Megan’s Law” offenders looking for naughty pictures of Patrick. But no, it turns out many of our true fans check this site, including our Slovenian and Asian buddies from overseas (at least I think that’s what they are writing about…I see mostly Wingdings). Besides, I only send out Patrick’s naughty pictures through a discreet email account, so if you want ‘em, you know where to go. Wink, wink,

ring…ring…“Hello? Yes, I would like to change my movie reservation please.”

I was watching TV yesterday, and tuned into HBO as they were doing one of those 15-minute “First Look” segments on The Ring Two . I tuned in a little over 5 minutes into it, and saw them discussing a scene where a couple of deer attack the aunt and kid in a car. So they are going on and on about this scene, and how they had to use special effects and computers because they couldn’t get any dear with antlers this time of year, and how the live dear didn’t even act properly in filming, and the actors are discussing what it was like to act around blue screens, etc. This went on for about 6-7 minutes, leaving a few minutes at the end for some quick plot stuff, and the credits. So basically, over half of this HBO First Look show was about computer generated deer.

Honestly, if the most impressive thing about The Ring Two is that they have computer-generated deer, I am getting in line for The Pacifier instead. Vin Diesel…you crazy kid, you.

My roommate is very picky about her toast. This is what I wake up to every morning.

And some more science fun…you know that myth about buttered bread always falling buttered side down? Before I even torment my scientist sister about this one, I thought I might let her eat her words in peace, and divulge a different theory.

So the myth is that buttered toast always falls buttered side down because butter weighs more. However, the scientific explanation so far been that when the problem of toast falling off the table is examined more carefully, it turns out that toast does indeed have a natural tendency to land butter side down. This is not due to weight of the butter, or aerodynamics however…it because using normal table height, the toast only has time to complete 1/2 rotation. And if the buttered side always starts on the top, it will almost always land on the bottom. If tables were double the height, it is expected that we would see toast completing a full revolution, and usually landing buttered side up. Essentially, the butter has no effect. Therefore, people have begun to say you could basically throw a piece of buttered toast off a building, and you would see no statistical evidence for buttered side up or down.

HOWEVER, I was just introduced to this thought, which is quite interesting. When you butter toast with any sort of force, you sometimes create an indent in the toast, forming a concave (bowl-like) shape. Therefore, if it followed the pattern of a leaf falling from a tree…it would fall with the concave (buttered) side up, convex side down. What can we learn from this new theory? If you’re eating breakfast on the top of a building (or an airplane wing like one of those stunt guys…or Agnes Skinner), and want to ensure your toast will fall buttered side up, make sure you butter your toast like Mr. T on crack.

It’s amazing I did so horribly in AP physics in high school.

Bienvenido a Miami

2005-03-14T07:58:00.000-08:00

So, I went to Miami for a long weekend and ended up sick for a week. I’m a little disappointed in that I did not party hard enough to deserve the degree of sick I got. Sinus infection, fever, throat infection. Yuck. The plane was delayed three hours, so we got to JFK at 1am which would not have been half bad except, they were so backed up we had to wait on the runway for three hours. Then they didn’t have a gate attendant so we had to wait another hour…I thought I was going to die. Ever been on a plane with a sinus infection?

Miami was fun though. We went to a Sunday night pool party at the Raleigh Hotel. It would have been more fun had there not been a bleach blonde, fake-boobed, cankle-endowed-nazi working the door. It was the quintessential high school-band-geek-who all-of-a-sudden has-power-taking revenge on normal people scenario. A friend was working the night fake-and-bake Skipper was supposed to let us in, the manager had to come talk to her about not being such a bitch and she started letting in people who were not her friends (or didn’t have the last name Versace). However, once we got passed the literal and figurative velvet ropes, the party was pretty laid back. Waterfall into three pools, built in beach with sand, cabanas, and lifeguard stands. The bon fire was a nice touch. As were the models with their sugar mammas and daddys. Shari O’Tari (of Saturday Night Live’s Spartan Cheerleaders) was there too!

I like Miami. The beaches are clean, the sand is soft, and the water clear. People are way more relaxed than they are in NYC, but I could have done without the booming bases and noise-making mufflers on rented Lamborghinis. The coolest car I saw was a converted golf cart with racing stripes and three wheels. The guy driving it was wearing a plaid beret and looked like a badass. He was my favorite.

Welcome to PaperDoll

2005-02-18T09:21:00.000-08:00

So the blog has been up for prob a month now or so, so I guess it's time for me to write something no? I was waiting for Patrick to put something on so I could be the "cool" last person to add something, but Patrick in his dweeby engineering life prob has no time. Yes I said dweeby and you are jealous.

So now I could have sat deep in thought trying to come up with something witty and creative like our dear friends Jackcity and Tbags, but I'm going to just write as I think. Jack has been on my arse about writing in the blog, so I suppose it is time. Hmmm, why have I not written in the blog before now?

A) Lazy
B) Computer illstupidit
C) Trying to be the mysterious cool band memeber
D) Like to push Jack's buttons a bit
E) Really lazy
F) All of the above

Ok all this thinking and writing is making my head hurt. I'll try to find a "zany-New-Yorker-magazine-like" picture and caption. hideeho
chipstan

ps this is a 1st draft but any typos are deliberate
Jack was this ok?

Hedging Expectations

2005-02-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

So, I’ve noticed lately that there are a bunch of shows that just GIVE people things – Extreme Makeover, Extreme Makeover Home edition, Oprah, The Today Show, The View, Ellen Degenres…Are people going to eventually EXPECT stuff just ‘cause they don’t have it? Isn’t it better to give some one something when they don’t expect you give them anything?

I feel like if this trend continues, people will feel jipped if they go to a taping of Oprah and don’t get a free gift basket of Oprah’s favorite 4,000 thread count sheets and imported goat milk soap…Maybe I would feel jipped if I didn’t…I mean she does give a lot of stuff away…what if I went to the one taping where she was like – "I don’t feel like giving anything away today." I have absolutely no right to feel deprived – I didn’t earn the Egyptian cotton sheets, but I think I might feel like Oprah let me down.

flying monkey sings national anthem

2005-02-03T16:13:00.000-08:00

So, I'm singing the National Anthem at the Lunar New Year parade next Wednesday in Chinatown which should be fun. They asked me to wear something "Chinese" looking. Now, I don't have anything Chinese-looking in NYC, but I know my mom has something at home so I called her and was like - "could you send me like a coat or something with a Chinese pattern or design?" she was like - "of course - I'm sure I have something at home...Maybe your aunt has something...or I could go shopping....You know, you really should wear something modern though - not too traditional...I'll send you a package tonight..." hmmmm...

...So...I got her package today... The "outfit" consists of this red knee length cocktail dress thats four sizes too big (think Barbara Bush circa 1991) AND another little something that I can only describe as a red cloak/cape with a black fur trumming perhaps inspired by the Flying Monkeys from the Wizard of Oz... If Conan the Barbarian and Zha Zha Gabor morphed into an item of clothing it would be manifested in this fur-lined cape.

Don't get me wrong - I'm so greatful that she took time to go shopping for me and overnight the package to me. What I don't understand is that my mom usually has Awesome taste in clothes. Most of my clothes that I get compliments on she bought me. So...was this a fluke? Temporary insanity? Or simply revenge for my years of teenaged anx? I guess I'll never know.

As Seen On TV...

2005-02-02T20:44:00.000-08:00

Air Purifiers: Not just for priests, NAMBLA members, and Michael Jackson anymore...

I really have to say, after having the Sharper Image Ionic Breeze air filter system for about a month now, I think it is freakin' fantabulous. I work from home a lot (mostly writing this blog), so I figured why not breathe easy while sitting on my butt all day? The first two weeks I was skeptical. I was feeling none of its promised attributes (better sleep, less headaches, the secret of life, etc…). However, after a month I have noticed that I sleep more soundly through the night, and the air is “crisper” then before. As for the secret of life, I did have some religiously expansive dreams that might have been ionically induced…however it also might have been the tequila.

The filter does have negative effects though. Now when I leave my room the rest of the apartment doesn’t smell quite as fresh to me, even though the Swiffer wet jet is our best friend. This filter is kind of like a drug. Eventually I am going to one of those people that wear the necklace one around all day. Although I do look forward to being one of those crotchety old people that whines, “IS SOMEONE SMOKING IN HEEEEEEERE?” at restaurants.

So, I don’t know about you guys, but I am totally one of those people that can hear a TV, even when it’s on mute. Don’t know what I mean? I mean, when the TV is on but the volume is down, I can hear a high-pitch sound coming from it…even if I am in another room in the apartment. What’s funny is that when I am sitting across from you at a dinner table, I will have no idea what you are saying. Of course, I’ll say your mumbling…but we both know I am going deaf.

My roommate thinks it’s totally creepy that I can hear this sound, and therefore I started to think it was really creepy that I could hear this sound. But today, she sends me this cartoon from a website she reads regularly: www.toothpastefordinner.com.

It’s good to know that I have striking similarities to a stickman.

"Hi, I'm in Delaware."

2005-01-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

dude, where’s my band?

...actually Wayne and Garth, it was Connecticut this weekend for us. If you ever get a chance to go, Bridgeport, CT is awesome. PaperDoll was invited to do a TV shoot and radio interview up there this Saturday, and they might as well put up a sign that says, “Bridgeport, Connecticut: CLOSED.” This place was like a ghost town at 1pm in the afternoon on a Saturday. And not that we would have liked to have seen more, but the most police activity we saw were two “sheriffs” eating Subway Roast Beef subs (which, by the way, were the sandwich of the day at this particular Subway franchise - only $2.99) and drinking iced tea. They might have been at the Dunkin’ Doughnuts across the street, but like the rest of the town, it was closed.

When we shot “Can You See Me,” we unveiled the green screen behind the curtain, got all dressed in green clothes, and made it looked like no one was playing these instruments that were mysteriously flying around. Just kidding…it was freakin’ Public Access, not Spielberg/Lucas and Industrial Light & Magic.

However, we did have a blast shooting the TV segment and the radio interview. Rich Kaminsky, the interviewer for both the TV and the radio, was a great guy. He seemed to genuinely like our music, as did the crew, and a bunch of other people who were working or hanging around the station that wandered in to watch after we started. We had a good ole’ time performing, and talking about our music and influences, which included not only playing the songs off our EP, but also songs off our own iPods to hear those influences. Mimicking his own identity, Patrick chose a mysterious and dangerous Franz Ferdinand song, Teresa put us to sleep with some Tori Amos, I provided the NC-17 rating with “Apache Rose Peacock” by the Red Hot Chile Peppers, and Chip played “Houses of the Holy” by Led Zeppelin. We spent the next 20 minutes talking to Chip about his time in Vietnam, and how he deals with his ongoing battle with shell shock.

Part of the interview went something like this:

Rich: “Teresa, the song ‘Be Alright’…what is it about?”
Teresa: “Well, its primarily a song about the sketchy and sleazy aspects of the bar scene. How guys come up to you and try to use ridiculous pickup lines or try to sound suave. Basically, it’s about the hilarity of that whole scene.
Rich: “So Chip, Patrick, and Jack. How does this make you feel, playing a song regarding these sort of situations?”
Jack: “Well, it defiantly gives you a different perspective on what women think is charming and what is unsettling.”
Rich: “As in, how sketchy the bar scene is and that maybe guys should try another more productive method, and not be so sketchy and sleazy?"
Jack: “No, now we have a better perspective on what lines will actually work.”

The TV and Radio spots will be airing multiple times next week. When we find out the exact dates and times, we will let you all know…probably through a witty and amusing email. Special thanks to Rich Kaminsky and the rest of the CT crew. For being so hospitable, don’t be surprised if you find a few autographed PaperDoll thongs heading your way from us, with love.

I'm ready for my clothes off, Mr. DeMille.

2005-01-26T16:42:00.000-08:00

Seriously, get the hell out of my garden.

I got my Hudson County voter identification card in the mail today. It reads:

JACK H. KOCK

At least SOME people are starting to take my porn career seriously.

Snow, snow, snow

2005-01-25T14:27:00.000-08:00

So, this morning, I was walking behind this little girl and her mom on their way to school. The girl was 7-ish, bundled up, wearing shiney black snow boots, carefully avoiding ice-patches and yellow snow. All of a sudden she bolts to a storefront window and screams "Mom! Look! SNOW!"...The store had decorated their window with fake frost and real-looking mounds of "snow".

Moral of the story: Kids are stupid and should get out of my way when I'm trying to get somewhere.

How much do I owe you, Mick?

2005-01-25T02:20:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should get kneepads like this dude. He looks quite fetching.

You know, I really wish the stages we played on were smooth and silky, perhaps carved from a nice finished maple or a lacquered oak parquet-style...like my elementary school gym floor. I find that many times during a performance, practice, or even walking down the street on a random Tuesday afternoon, I have the urge to do a few “Michael J. Fox while playing Johnny B. Goode in Back to the Future” slides on my knees across the floor. Unfortunately the club stages we play on resemble sandpaper, or that weird fake plastic grass people put on their patio’s to go along with their lawn gnomes and pinwheels. Furthermore, while dancing drunk like an idiot on New Years I did one of those slides across what I thought was a smooth floor and ended up tearing my suit pants. Tragic…yes. Worth it…totally. Plus, now I have a “fun” suit that I don’t have to worry about ruining when wear it out to the 80’s Miami Vice clubs I so frequently attend. Unfortunately I don’t have an endless supply of suits, or an endless supply of 80’s clubs around. So it seems eventually I have to stop both habits soon.

I heard Mick Jagger tours with a specially crafted personal exotic-wooden dance floor for the stage that they piece together before every show, about 15’x15’, that he, and only he is allowed to stand or walk on. Other band members, roadies, and misc. personnel get fined if they walk on it.

In light of this, I have readjusted PaperDoll’s priorities accordingly for the most direct route to success:

Priority #1: sell 1 million records.
Priority #2: buy smooth & silky 15’x15’ exotic-wood stage floor for Jack.

Tsunami Benefit

2005-01-24T08:04:00.000-08:00

Chip - sorry to hear about loosing the wallet. Thanks for your phone btw - it works great.

I learned a lot trecking to the Tsunami Benefit through the blizzard of '05 on Saturday night.

1. Water-proof mascara does not = blizzard-proof mascara. After walking two blocks to the subway, I had mascara frozen – FROZEN- to my face. I had to scrape it off with my nails and a wet napkin while trying to find my reflection on the subway windows.
2. Patrick walks faster carrying a guitar in the snow than I do carrying nothing.
3. Patrick thinks throwing snowballs at me while I'm blinded by frozen mascara which had forced my eyelids closed is funny.
4. I do not.
5. People put SHOES on their Dogs!

And of course, the show went well!

...as long as I get to be Encyclopedia Brown. You can be Sally Kimball.

2005-01-23T20:36:00.000-08:00

Can the secret weapon in Idaville’s war on crime really be a ten-year-old boy in sneakers?

So Chip calls me up this morning and tells me about how he lost his wallet last night. I don't remember exactly how he said he lost it, but I was pretty tired, so it could have been anything from frolicking through the late night snow with wild sea-nymphs, or making snow angels with the local church choir.

In any case, he calls me up again about 2 hours later to tell me about something else, but then mentions that he is talking to me while looking for his wallet in the middle of the street. There are three things about this that made me laugh so hard that hot tea came out my nose (which would have been funnier to me with milk, but all the milk in my fridge is past the expiration date…so it just kinda hurt). I felt bad about laughing since losing your wallet is really awful…but nonetheless:

#1. Knowing what we all know about the kind and compassionate people of NYC, would a wallet still be laying on the ground where it was dropped the night before?

#2. With the snow coming down like it was last night and this morning, what are the chances that if it is still where it dropped, it didn't get covered in 8 inches of snow…making it a wonderful present for one of those “kind” and “compassionate” people in 2013 when all this snow finally melts?

#3. Chip said he was looking in the “middle” of the street. Not the sidewalk or curbside…the middle. This is where cars, trucks, and buses usually travel. And its’ not a culdesac in the suburbs we are talking about here. It’s 91st street.

Chip, I hope you find your wallet, man. If you don’t, lets team up and go all Encyclopedia Brown/Hardy Boys on it and try to find it…you know, in 2013.

Welcome to the blog...test, test.

2005-01-22T21:37:00.000-08:00

Test 1 2, Test 1 2...sibilance, sibilance.

We here at at PaperDoll have decided to start a blog, which all four of us can post to (and you can also comment on). I think its funny that WE think we are smart, funny, and witty enough that you all will read it. As if our humorous banter on stage and my side-splitting emails aren't enough for you. So I guess this is another part of our ultimate goal to entertain you on a variety of levels. Which is good, because we didn't want to start putting ads on your TiVO main screen just yet.

However, I have faith in my band, and can guarantee that if we can't make this interesting enough for you to read with just our thoughts and comments, we will most likely start making fun of each other and cursing a lot...which is always hilarious, especially since Teresa's "G" rated mouth doesn't know any curse words (see, it's already starting). So bookmark this site, check back often, and be sure to comment and make fun of us. I know I will. Let's get it on!