How I single handedly made my Economics teacher quit teaching and become a circus clown

People rip on McDonalds so much for being anti-American. Come on people, lets try to be a bit more creative…like making fun of its lisp, funny clothes, and coke-bottle glasses. Then lets make a bunch of “your mommas so fat jokes,” punch it in the stomach, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money. Yeah, that’ll teach ‘em.

Because Johnny Rockets closes at 12pm on Thursday nights, late last night after getting a few drinks I found myself at the McDonalds in Hoboken with some friends, our hearts set on the $1 menu double cheeseburger and fries (for a total of $2, plus tax). When we get up to the counter, we find that not only do they not have the dollar menu after 11pm, but the prices for items one might usually get on the dollar menu have increased 4 times! Listen, I can usually afford to pay a decent amount for food, but after spending my nights cash on booze, I was not going to pay $4 for a crappy fast-food cheeseburger that I was too drunk to taste anyway…especially when that same exact burger is $1 during the day!

So there I was, jokingly causing a ruckus (I am not a mean or violent drunk…I am more of a benevolent sloppy comic), laughing about “economies of scale” and how “the laws of finance don’t exist here.” I may have also shouted some words about communism and how McDonalds is un-American and they put bits of flag remnants in their tasty new Apple and Walnut Salads. Its at times like these I really wish I paid more attention in Economics, as I tend to think none of those arguments were the correct ones to make in that situation. And frankly, McDonald’s was following the law of “supply and demand,” since at 1pm I really wanted that freakin’ cheeseburger and they were the only ones that were open. But I feel like that’s something a cunning used car salesman would do, rather than McDonalds, America’s self-proclaimed fast food burger provider.


AXE deodorant also makes an excellent kindling fuel! But seriously, I blame my violence on a mixture of TV and Red Bull…no more watching Office Space on Comedy Central for me, that’s for sure.

In the end we left empty handed and went to CVS instead to buy some delicious hot pockets…at which point I also clued my friends in on the AXE deodorant scheme (see post below) and how it was ruining my underarms. I may have been drunk, but I don’t forget where my loyalties lie. I bet those fat cats at McDonalds and AXE are in bed together right now reading this, hooting and hollering, while employees from a Burger King and a Right Guard factory are tied to their bed posts dressed in all leather and each have a big red ball in their mouths. Why? Because everyone needs a gimp. Who do you think is writing this for me?

Lemme AXE you a question...

Searching for a picture of AXE deodorant, I found this. I wasn’t going to put it in since it has no relevance, but I was afraid they might cut me.

So I bought AXE deodorant this weekend. And no, I did not buy it so that woman might sexually jump me in the line at Boston Market as I try to buy my quarter-chicken-dark with creamed spinach and macaroni & cheese, or so they would try to steal my armbands from after our shows and rub the sweat on their jennies.

No, I actually bought it because CVS had basically nothing but AXE. There I was, trying to find my trusty Right Guard, and all I can see are these jet black deodorant sticks with images of flames, steam and water (I’m sorry…I meant to say “hook-up heat, make-out mist, and liquid love”). And so, in quiet desperation I purchased one of the flashy AXE smell-stoppers (for 50% more than my usual brand) and left CVS, carefully on the lookout for model-type women lurking in the dark corners of Hoboken just waiting for me to apply the sweet love-pheromone laced fragrance so they can hurdle through my window while I’m sleeping and steal my boxer briefs with Ninja-like skills.

After 3 days of using AXE, I am unimpressed, and frankly rather annoyed. Not only have I not yet gotten molested by hot women, much like a little drunk Dutch boy should be at the Neverland Ranch, but this stuff just outright sucks at being deodorant! The smell (which is never really that good to begin with) dissipates after about an hour, and then after 8 hours you’re left quite unprotected. Unless you shower about 8 times during your workday and reapply, once you past 10am your chances of a co-worker propositioning you in your bosses office while working on the presentation for the big 2pm marketing meeting GREATLY decrease.

Moral of the story? No matter what the commercials say, don’t count on AXE to improve your sexual attractiveness. If you want girls to be all over you…you better have lots of money or a huge wiener.

Toto's PR rep is a genius

If those 6 words = one cover picture, and a picture = 1,000 words, then playing “A-F-R-I-C-A” in Scrabble must be kick-ass!

In a well played move, National Geographic decided that for their latest issue, they would forgo the usual spectacular picture cover, and instead try out a new type-friendly approach, stating that no single photo would be able to define Africa. Personally, I think the photographer that was supposed to take the cover shot missed the deadline because he was too busy subbing for his buddy at a Victoria Secret shoot, doing lines of coke off of some ice sculptor while simultaneously having a three way with some of the starved, yet breast enhanced IPEX models. Although I don’t see why it would have slipped his mind to get on the plane to go back to Monzombo, Ukhwejo, or some other village that I may, or may not have seen in “The Air up There.” I guess I could ask him…we did hire him to take photos for us tonight at CBGBs. But we have clearly stated to him that there will be no ice sculptures, and that Teresa prefers her bras from Fredrick’s of Hollywood. And yes, we do accept sponsorships if your reading Mr. or Mrs. Fredrick. Personally, I think Patrick would look fab-u-lous in your Dotted Mesh Gartini.

I will say, my applause of this cover concept is all based on the fact that I am over 11 years old now, and don’t need to be scrounging around in the middle school library anymore looking through National Geographic magazines for boobie shots. Although I would if I still had my library card. Damn you Mr. Bookman!

Hey HBO, maybe if you think about baseball you won't finish so early next time

Half of the cast of Entourage. Why half? Because you only gave me half a show last night. Let’s hug THAT out bitches.

What’s up with Entourage lately? The show rocks, but last night it was only 20 minutes long! With Six Feet Under going six feet under next week (and also scaring the bejesus out of me lately...well done!), they should really make Entourage an hour long show. The way its heading, it’s soon going to be reduced to a 2 minute long snippet of Vince and Mandy Moore river dancing in front of Martin Scorsese’s house, while Ari and Eric sumo wrestle in a vat of pizza sauce from Queens.

…and it will still win 12 Emmys, and I will still watch it religiously on my TiVo. And don't lie, so will you. But only one of us will be watching because they love river dancing. Think about it.