Lemme AXE you a question...

Searching for a picture of AXE deodorant, I found this. I wasn’t going to put it in since it has no relevance, but I was afraid they might cut me.

So I bought AXE deodorant this weekend. And no, I did not buy it so that woman might sexually jump me in the line at Boston Market as I try to buy my quarter-chicken-dark with creamed spinach and macaroni & cheese, or so they would try to steal my armbands from after our shows and rub the sweat on their jennies.

No, I actually bought it because CVS had basically nothing but AXE. There I was, trying to find my trusty Right Guard, and all I can see are these jet black deodorant sticks with images of flames, steam and water (I’m sorry…I meant to say “hook-up heat, make-out mist, and liquid love”). And so, in quiet desperation I purchased one of the flashy AXE smell-stoppers (for 50% more than my usual brand) and left CVS, carefully on the lookout for model-type women lurking in the dark corners of Hoboken just waiting for me to apply the sweet love-pheromone laced fragrance so they can hurdle through my window while I’m sleeping and steal my boxer briefs with Ninja-like skills.

After 3 days of using AXE, I am unimpressed, and frankly rather annoyed. Not only have I not yet gotten molested by hot women, much like a little drunk Dutch boy should be at the Neverland Ranch, but this stuff just outright sucks at being deodorant! The smell (which is never really that good to begin with) dissipates after about an hour, and then after 8 hours you’re left quite unprotected. Unless you shower about 8 times during your workday and reapply, once you past 10am your chances of a co-worker propositioning you in your bosses office while working on the presentation for the big 2pm marketing meeting GREATLY decrease.

Moral of the story? No matter what the commercials say, don’t count on AXE to improve your sexual attractiveness. If you want girls to be all over you…you better have lots of money or a huge wiener.